you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
