No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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