life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
