Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
