you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
