I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
