Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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