it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
