they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
