If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Sext me about skeletons
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
