I bet he comes in French.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
