he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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