Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
