mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
