you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
