There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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