i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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