Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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