I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
