Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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