Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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