i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
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i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
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Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
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