im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
