A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize