a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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