Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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