well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
