i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
