i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
