Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Rumble strips road head = magical
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
