HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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