I'm sorry my penis didn't work
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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