I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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