My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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