so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
