dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
