The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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