so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
