I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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