thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
