I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
this hospital has no fireball
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
