Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
