i would punch a child for taco bell
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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