Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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