i think i have two assholes
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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