Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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