Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
