That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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