I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
