she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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