how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
