Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
