Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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