a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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