I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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