Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
