you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
