yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
