I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
