If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
When are your genitals available?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
