dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
